confused, more so than ever
what to do when you have a choice, a choice that was taken away from you long ago, and know it is given back to you. i have wanted to have this opportunity for so long, longer than my mom knows, and now it sits there in front of me, and i must decide if i am going to take action or watch it drift away forever. i will never have another chance at this because once i decide not to take the opportunity, it wasnt my parents making the decision for me, it was me, making the decision for myself, and that will shut the door. i want to jump in, take it all in, meet everyone that i have only ever dreamed of meeting, but as usual, fear is what is holding me back. i am fearful that i will be rejected, and that pain may be worse than the pain of knowing i never tried. i am 23 years old, its not like i am 7, 8 or even 17, and i think that makes me less desirable to get to know, so much time has been lost. i have missed out on so much, birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, knowing and loving my siblings, knowing and understanding where i come from, at least the other half of me. knowing my father, who he is, who he was, and how much we may or may not be alike. i feel very confused, more so than ever.
