Polkadotstardust’s Weblog

It hit me today (or was it yesterday?), as I was driving in my car. I zoned out (I know, safe to do while driving) listening to music, and to be honest I can not recall what song I was listening to which is rare. I could feel my sight kind of move in and out of focus. Was it yesterday? Now that is going to bug me, and was it this morning or this afternoon on my way home from work? 

Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter, I guess I just feel like since it was such an important revelation I should remember the details, every detail, because I felt as if time slowed down, and yet somehow sped up too. Like I said, it was a strange experience, something I have not felt in a while. It was definitely a moment of clarity, but I have had those, and this was something stronger.

At a moment, not sure when because I can’t remember the details, I felt at peace, a peace I have never felt. With that peace I heard a thought, not like I had a thought, but I heard the thought, like someone gave the thought to me for mine to do with it what I wished. And the thought was very clear in my mind, as if it had been there all along, I just needed to hear it, to find it. It was so simple, almost too simple, perhaps a little cliche, but it made sense and like I said it gave me a very strong sense of peace. 

(Now that I have built it up…) “Even when you feel lost, even when you are lacking direction, you, yourself are not lost because you still know who you are, and that knowledge is all that matters.”

It may not make sense to anyone else, or it may, but it certainly made sense to me. I have felt lost for some time now, and I thought that because I felt lost on my journey of life, like I have no true direction that I am heading, that for some reason that meant I did not know who I was, that myself was lost, my knowledge of self, of who I am as a person, was lost. So not only did I think I was heading the wrong direction, or no direction, I did not even think I recognized the person wandering around, looking, searching for direction. I now see it though, they are not necessarily bound together, one does not automatically mean the other. I can be lost, without true “direction” but still know who I am inside, how I feel, how I think, how I live, how I breath, how I love, how I talk, how I do the things I do, how I think the things I think. That makes me feel better to know that, to have that knowledge because now that I can separate the two, I think I can conquer the lack of “direction” knowing that whichever path I walk down, whether intentionally or aimlessly, I am walking down that path with a strong sense of self. And that is empowering.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you this late evening/night because I fear I am losing control, so rather than let go of that control I feel a letter would be more appropriate and a better use of my mind. I have kept to myself, mostly through meditation, running, exercising, and focusing on breathing one breath at a time.

I have had many experiences over the past half year, all of them in varying degrees of difficult. I have seen what I thought was my dream life, my “future” crumble before me, I have felt rage like I have never experienced before, and I watched myself pull together like I would have never imagined with maturity and some grace. I have experienced the trauma of losing someone very inspirational in my life, however short my time with her was, she was an inspiration for living life for every day that it granted you. On top of that she was one of my best friends mom, and going through that with her and helping her as much as I could (as much as we could, we being my other best friends) was a journey I would have rather not taken, but I took it because as life grants you a day it also can take them away. That was a darker time than any these past six months, more than losing the “future” or the “great romance.” At the same time, my grandpa glimpsed death, and struggled to get out of its gaze. He fought and won after a month and a half, or was it two months? I couldn’t keep track. I remember thanking, whoever it is I thank, perhaps it was God, that he finally made it out of the hospital, strong. 

Several other things have happened, some happy, exciting, amazing events, which I hold near and dear, and some I keep secret because they mean a lot to me. They are my happiness, my silver lining that I hold on to when I feel I might lose control.

I had several friends who stepped up, and supported me through everything, the good and the bad. My family has had a lot of rough times the past couple of months, which hopefully are ending, but I can only be so hopeful. A close friend, or as my brother refers to him “friend by association” recently left (about 2 weeks ago), and I feel more lost without him than I had imagined. He helped me a lot through the rough times, more than he probably knows. I don’t believe I am through all of the rough times, but I know I have experienced enough to know that I can make it through almost anything. 

I realize, to you, my hardships, my depression, my sadness, my mood swings, all stem from one place, one event, one person (maybe even two people), but I want you to know you are wrong. All of that, that short time, was simply a blip on the screen compared to the other occurrences. I also, understand that you believe you deserve everything, and want everything because you feel as though you have been through a lot. In all honesty, who hasn’t been through a lot, and I highly doubt any one of your stories would shock someone who has been around long enough to experience life in its darkest moments. I know women stronger than you, who have seen more than you, at least ten fold of what you have lived through, so please don’t use your “hardships” as a bargaining chip in your pursuit of happiness. Don’t belittle the experiences of other people because you feel you deserve what you have acquired, that what you have is rightfully yours because of what you have been through. Truly it makes my stomach sick at the audacity that you have to say that no one has any clue what you have been through, I am sure there are plenty out there who not only know what you have been through but have come out better people because of it, not childish braggarts (please use a dictionary if need be, simply google one, or did you need to take a class to learn how to use google).

In short, I wanted to simply remind you that everyone has had bad experiences, horrible experiences, terrifying experiences, and yet you seem to play off of them to gain sympathy, support, and “love” at any opportunity, whereas the rest of us simply learn, examine, and become more humble. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not stating that sympathy, support, and love are bad when someone has been through many hardships, or even one hardship, I simply mean to say that it is bad when someone takes advantage of people and manipulates them. 

So, please stop humoring yourself in believing that you and your future are the cause of my grief, my pain because sweatheart the “wound” that was created by your “game” healed faster than any other wound I have received in my 23 years, and it certainly has not stopped me from being who I want to be or living the life I want to live. I hope (if I was the praying type I would perhaps even pray) that you find a way to enjoy life and live life with true happiness without having to rely on material possessions, bragging, money, and one-upping, as you seem so infatuated with now. Good luck to you.

Sincerely,

Me