4th of July
Today, rather yesterday at this point, was a good day. 4th of July seems to mean something different to me every year, this year I had a different perspective. I can’t quite explain why I felt so differently then I usually do on this particular US holiday, I think it has a lot to do with reflecting on the military and the people I know currently sacrificing their lives. I don’t necessarily mean their lives, as in death only (although, sadly, that is sometimes the sacrifice that occurs), I mean their personal lives, their lives with family and friends, the lives they knew for a life unfamiliar, and ever-changing. I have a new found respect for what the men and women of the military do, not to say I did not have respect for what they did before, but somehow the respect I have now is different, stronger perhaps.
It’s interesting lately, how much thinking and reflecting I have been doing. It seems as though the previous 5 months were a blur, a time when I tried to block the memories, good and bad. But recent events, and perhaps the natural flow of life, have shifted the veil, and memories flood back to me almost every part of my day. Like today, I was reflecting on 4th of July pasts. One of my favorites was when Lily, Brian and I had nothing to do, no plans, no parties, no where to go. We decided to go to home depot (maybe it was Loews), and purchase paint. We bought some terrible colors for a guys room, but at the time we thought they were soothing (which is what brian wanted). We painted his room, and got drunk. That was such a good night, and it seems so far away. In fact, I often have a difficult time seeing clearly in my mind what he looks like, he is a distant memory, someone I once knew but no longer know. I think thats difficult, to go from knowing someone (as best as you can possibly know someone), knowing each scar, freckle, the touch and feel of their hands, the feeling of their arms wrapped around you, going from all of that and more, to reflecting on a memory and not being able to picture the details anymore, just a rough sketch of who that person was. Thats the hard part, I think, or maybe the hard part is that I no longer long for him, but just the feeling, the never-ending hug, the kiss that is only for you, the look in the other person’s eyes that say they love you, longing for that rather than the person. I think I miss being in a relationship, that feel of importance, the validation that someone in this vast world wants to be with you (and, hopefully, only you). Don’t get me wrong, I do miss him, I miss his friendship, the laughter, the jokes, the inside jokes were the best kind, and the easy silence, you know, the silence that is comforting because there isn’t a need to say anything. Some days are harder than others.
But I did have a good day. Even though I was deep in thought, thinking about him, and thinking about him (my new obsession, I guess you could say, although obsession seems, a little over board, but I am lacking a better word). I read most of the morning, this fantastic book (which I finished up just a couple minutes before diving into this second post), and although it is fantastic, it has made me crave a relationship even more. After reading, I went grocery shopping, only purchasing the necessities, as my budget is extremely tight. Came home, watched the first two episodes of Dexter, which was amazingly crazy. Then dozed off for a nap, which, thanks to Dexter’s serial killer antics, created some strange afternoon nap dreams. I was pulled out of those weird nap dreams, by my roommate, so I could join her, my other roommate, and two other friends to go grocery shopping for our 4th of July festivities. We shopped like mad women, as if we were having 20 people over (good example of why not to shop for food while hungry). We made a flag cake, kabobs, hamburgers, grilled veggies, and macaroni salad. We then watched fireworks, and roasted marshmallows. Everything we did was its own adventure. That’s what I love about those girls, everything turns into some sort of epic adventure, very memorable.
Tomorrow I go in for a second session on my universe tattoo, if Keith thinks it is healed enough. I hope it is because I want to see the finished product, which I won’t get to see until after the 3rd session. Tomorrow is also the day I meet up with my aunt and cousin, to discuss our plane tickets and hotel reservations for our London trip. I still can’t believe I will be going to London.
I think I have rambled enough for one post.
