Polkadotstardust’s Weblog

I fell in love with a friend.

I fell in love with someone I wasn’t supposed to fall for.

I got attached when I promised I wouldn’t.

And it hurts knowing he doesn’t feel the same way.

I lie to myself, thinking, hopeful, that he will return, and feel the same way.

I fell in love with him, and it makes absolutely no sense.

I can’t help the way I feel, unfortunately, I have to keep it my secret.

If only, I could run up to him, hug him, say “I am in love with you” and he looks in my eyes, without saying the words, I see that he loves me back, that would be enough for me. I dont need words, I just want that look and a hug to go with it.

I miss him….

I just wanna be closer to you. 

Please just tell me what the hell is wrong. 

You cut me open and I keep bleeding.

I found this picture in photobucket. I don’t know what it is but I love it. 

I don’t have much to talk about. Today was a fast paced day at work, so it went by quickly. Now I have an entire week without the boss because he will be on vacation all of next week. PARTY! Not really, but it will kind of be like a party. Maybe I will finally catch up on emailing David, I feel like I have let him down, by not emailing him more, or sending him a care package or two or three (if you read this David, know that I think about writing and sending you stuff all the time, and maybe that counts for something?). And of course I will catch up on work things that I don’t normally get to do because I am too busy typing up letters, motions, etc, etc. 

I need to clean my room, it is an absolute chaotic mess. That will be tomorrow morning. And laundry, must do laundry. If only I were rich and could hire someone to do all that for me, I would have more time to do absolutely nothing, if only.

Tomorrow is my second session on my universe/cosmo tatoo. I am excited, although I don’t expect to see much of a change from what it looks like now, I hope to be pleasantly surprised though. I just want my shoulder to be done, so we can move on to my ribs area, that will be fun! Painful but definitely worth it. Which reminds me, need to start doing more crunches, and other ab work.

I have been loving the rainstorms lately, but I need more rain, give me more rain please.

I mailed him a letter, I am thrilled that I was finally able to send him one. I don’t expect a letter back because I know he has limited time to write and call, which I am sure he uses for his family. Thats fine though, I wrote for his entertainment/escape, I hope I succeeded, I thought the letter was kind of funny.

This has kind of been a rambling, boring, non-creative post, I may delete this one.

It hit me today (or was it yesterday?), as I was driving in my car. I zoned out (I know, safe to do while driving) listening to music, and to be honest I can not recall what song I was listening to which is rare. I could feel my sight kind of move in and out of focus. Was it yesterday? Now that is going to bug me, and was it this morning or this afternoon on my way home from work? 

Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter, I guess I just feel like since it was such an important revelation I should remember the details, every detail, because I felt as if time slowed down, and yet somehow sped up too. Like I said, it was a strange experience, something I have not felt in a while. It was definitely a moment of clarity, but I have had those, and this was something stronger.

At a moment, not sure when because I can’t remember the details, I felt at peace, a peace I have never felt. With that peace I heard a thought, not like I had a thought, but I heard the thought, like someone gave the thought to me for mine to do with it what I wished. And the thought was very clear in my mind, as if it had been there all along, I just needed to hear it, to find it. It was so simple, almost too simple, perhaps a little cliche, but it made sense and like I said it gave me a very strong sense of peace. 

(Now that I have built it up…) “Even when you feel lost, even when you are lacking direction, you, yourself are not lost because you still know who you are, and that knowledge is all that matters.”

It may not make sense to anyone else, or it may, but it certainly made sense to me. I have felt lost for some time now, and I thought that because I felt lost on my journey of life, like I have no true direction that I am heading, that for some reason that meant I did not know who I was, that myself was lost, my knowledge of self, of who I am as a person, was lost. So not only did I think I was heading the wrong direction, or no direction, I did not even think I recognized the person wandering around, looking, searching for direction. I now see it though, they are not necessarily bound together, one does not automatically mean the other. I can be lost, without true “direction” but still know who I am inside, how I feel, how I think, how I live, how I breath, how I love, how I talk, how I do the things I do, how I think the things I think. That makes me feel better to know that, to have that knowledge because now that I can separate the two, I think I can conquer the lack of “direction” knowing that whichever path I walk down, whether intentionally or aimlessly, I am walking down that path with a strong sense of self. And that is empowering.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you this late evening/night because I fear I am losing control, so rather than let go of that control I feel a letter would be more appropriate and a better use of my mind. I have kept to myself, mostly through meditation, running, exercising, and focusing on breathing one breath at a time.

I have had many experiences over the past half year, all of them in varying degrees of difficult. I have seen what I thought was my dream life, my “future” crumble before me, I have felt rage like I have never experienced before, and I watched myself pull together like I would have never imagined with maturity and some grace. I have experienced the trauma of losing someone very inspirational in my life, however short my time with her was, she was an inspiration for living life for every day that it granted you. On top of that she was one of my best friends mom, and going through that with her and helping her as much as I could (as much as we could, we being my other best friends) was a journey I would have rather not taken, but I took it because as life grants you a day it also can take them away. That was a darker time than any these past six months, more than losing the “future” or the “great romance.” At the same time, my grandpa glimpsed death, and struggled to get out of its gaze. He fought and won after a month and a half, or was it two months? I couldn’t keep track. I remember thanking, whoever it is I thank, perhaps it was God, that he finally made it out of the hospital, strong. 

Several other things have happened, some happy, exciting, amazing events, which I hold near and dear, and some I keep secret because they mean a lot to me. They are my happiness, my silver lining that I hold on to when I feel I might lose control.

I had several friends who stepped up, and supported me through everything, the good and the bad. My family has had a lot of rough times the past couple of months, which hopefully are ending, but I can only be so hopeful. A close friend, or as my brother refers to him “friend by association” recently left (about 2 weeks ago), and I feel more lost without him than I had imagined. He helped me a lot through the rough times, more than he probably knows. I don’t believe I am through all of the rough times, but I know I have experienced enough to know that I can make it through almost anything. 

I realize, to you, my hardships, my depression, my sadness, my mood swings, all stem from one place, one event, one person (maybe even two people), but I want you to know you are wrong. All of that, that short time, was simply a blip on the screen compared to the other occurrences. I also, understand that you believe you deserve everything, and want everything because you feel as though you have been through a lot. In all honesty, who hasn’t been through a lot, and I highly doubt any one of your stories would shock someone who has been around long enough to experience life in its darkest moments. I know women stronger than you, who have seen more than you, at least ten fold of what you have lived through, so please don’t use your “hardships” as a bargaining chip in your pursuit of happiness. Don’t belittle the experiences of other people because you feel you deserve what you have acquired, that what you have is rightfully yours because of what you have been through. Truly it makes my stomach sick at the audacity that you have to say that no one has any clue what you have been through, I am sure there are plenty out there who not only know what you have been through but have come out better people because of it, not childish braggarts (please use a dictionary if need be, simply google one, or did you need to take a class to learn how to use google).

In short, I wanted to simply remind you that everyone has had bad experiences, horrible experiences, terrifying experiences, and yet you seem to play off of them to gain sympathy, support, and “love” at any opportunity, whereas the rest of us simply learn, examine, and become more humble. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not stating that sympathy, support, and love are bad when someone has been through many hardships, or even one hardship, I simply mean to say that it is bad when someone takes advantage of people and manipulates them. 

So, please stop humoring yourself in believing that you and your future are the cause of my grief, my pain because sweatheart the “wound” that was created by your “game” healed faster than any other wound I have received in my 23 years, and it certainly has not stopped me from being who I want to be or living the life I want to live. I hope (if I was the praying type I would perhaps even pray) that you find a way to enjoy life and live life with true happiness without having to rely on material possessions, bragging, money, and one-upping, as you seem so infatuated with now. Good luck to you.

Sincerely,

Me

Today, rather yesterday at this point, was a good day. 4th of July seems to mean something different to me every year, this year I had a different perspective. I can’t quite explain why I felt so differently then I usually do on this particular US holiday, I think it has a lot to do with reflecting on the military and the people I know currently sacrificing their lives. I don’t necessarily mean their lives, as in death only (although, sadly, that is sometimes the sacrifice that occurs), I mean their personal lives, their lives with family and friends, the lives they knew for a life unfamiliar, and ever-changing. I have a new found respect for what the men and women of the military do, not to say I did not have respect for what they did before, but somehow the respect I have now is different, stronger perhaps. 

It’s interesting lately, how much thinking and reflecting I have been doing. It seems as though the previous 5 months were a blur, a time when I tried to block the memories, good and bad. But recent events, and perhaps the natural flow of life, have shifted the veil, and memories flood back to me almost every part of my day. Like today, I was reflecting on 4th of July pasts. One of my favorites was when Lily, Brian and I had nothing to do, no plans, no parties, no where to go. We decided to go to home depot (maybe it was Loews), and purchase paint. We bought some terrible colors for a guys room, but at the time we thought they were soothing (which is what brian wanted). We painted his room, and got drunk. That was such a good night, and it seems so far away. In fact, I often have a difficult time seeing clearly in my mind what he looks like, he is a distant memory, someone I once knew but no longer know. I think thats difficult, to go from knowing someone (as best as you can possibly know someone), knowing each scar, freckle, the touch and feel of their hands, the feeling of their arms wrapped around you, going from all of that and more, to reflecting on a memory and not being able to picture the details anymore, just a rough sketch of who that person was. Thats the hard part, I think, or maybe the hard part is that I no longer long for him, but just the feeling, the never-ending hug, the kiss that is only for you, the look in the other person’s eyes that say they love you, longing for that rather than the person. I think I miss being in a relationship, that feel of importance, the validation that someone in this vast world wants to be with you (and, hopefully, only you). Don’t get me wrong, I do miss him, I miss his friendship, the laughter, the jokes, the inside jokes were the best kind, and the easy silence, you know, the silence that is comforting because there isn’t a need to say anything. Some days are harder than others.

But I did have a good day. Even though I was deep in thought, thinking about him, and thinking about him (my new obsession, I guess you could say, although obsession seems, a little over board, but I am lacking a better word). I read most of the morning, this fantastic book (which I finished up just a couple minutes before diving into this second post), and although it is fantastic, it has made me crave a relationship even more. After reading, I went grocery shopping, only purchasing the necessities, as my budget is extremely tight. Came home, watched the first two episodes of Dexter, which was amazingly crazy. Then dozed off for a nap, which, thanks to Dexter’s serial killer antics, created some strange afternoon nap dreams. I was pulled out of those weird nap dreams, by my roommate, so I could join her, my other roommate, and two other friends to go grocery shopping for our 4th of July festivities. We shopped like mad women, as if we were having 20 people over (good example of why not to shop for food while hungry). We made a flag cake, kabobs, hamburgers, grilled veggies, and macaroni salad. We then watched fireworks, and roasted marshmallows. Everything we did was its own adventure. That’s what I love about those girls, everything turns into some sort of epic adventure, very memorable.

Tomorrow I go in for a second session on my universe tattoo, if Keith thinks it is healed enough. I hope it is because I want to see the finished product, which I won’t get to see until after the 3rd session. Tomorrow is also the day I meet up with my aunt and cousin, to discuss our plane tickets and hotel reservations for our London trip. I still can’t believe I will be going to London.

I think I have rambled enough for one post.